6 in the morning
trust.
its the one thing that you want from friends.
sure, there’s other elements to a strong friendship; incomparable companionship, mutual interests, genuine camaraderie, undeniable compatability…the list goes on. it doesnt take much to describe a good friend, right? or at least it shouldnt.
but trust is often the hardest aspect of friendship to withstand the tests and trials that life throws at us. You can’t buy it. You can’t create it. You can’t make it. You can only earn and break it. Two extremes.
But what is trust exactly? It’s something powerful yet delicate; something to always be mindful of. because once its gone…its very hard to get back.
and its funny too. how that happens. how you lose trust. it usually happens quickly. and is usually not intentional. and yet, it happens all the time. thankfully the circle of trust can be mended but can it ever truly be made whole again? can you ever truly trust someone once they’ve given you a reason to doubt them?
i guess this is more prevalent in relationships and whatnot, but its truly an escalating epidemic occurring more and more often in common friendships. I guess I’ve been pretty lucky thus far…none of my friends have out rightly wronged me in such a way to leave me jaded and scared forever… but i still feel…gripped at the possibility of it.
its a shame when there’s a snag in a friendship. because snags can lead to rips if proper care is not given.
bp
koinonia.
koinonia. i like that word. fellowship. community.
i was listening to pastor peters online sermon and…aw man.
i cant…i dont even have words at the moment.
so im just going to blurt snippets and quotes from the sermon.
you should listen to it.
go online and type in new community podcast..and listen to pastor peter hongs sermon: church without walls week 9: discovering community.
it is….so good.
“when you are longing for community…when you go up to someone and say..I need you..thats not being weak. it’s being strong”
“we were made to be in community”
“if we are spirit filled…fellowship just happens.”
“are there a group of 5, 6, 7 people you always hang out with…but you guys just hang?”
why do i have such a hard time with community?
why do i have such a hard time loving people?
why do i have such hard time opening up to people
community is hard.
fig-leaf armor.
what’s fig leaf armor?
when you dont let people know how you’re doing because if you did…you keep thinking “‘i dont want you to judge me.”
jesus saved us so that we can be fully human
which means we can fully relate to each other…in community.
you know nothing but fear..lack of trust
Jesus came to save you so that i can heal that so that you can trust and unconditionally love and genuinely accept one another.
who wants deep authentic community?
are you willing to go there?
spiritual friendship isn’t created..it’s discoverd.
the thing thats going to prompt us to care for the least of these..the poor…the broken..
is the recognition that there’s not difference between us and them.
friendship doesn’t happen
we should want something besides friends
those that want nothing share nothing.
what creates a sense of deep friendship is not 2 people who say “wat i want from you is approval”
but when they both look at something and go “aint that beautiful?”
when theyre kneeling at the same thing and go “aint that beautiful?”
make your friendship with God more important that making friends
and friends will be drawn to you.
do you know when friendships become really important to you?
when you are emotionally underwater.
but by then…it’s too late.
“where is my friends?
where is my community?
i never built it…”
koinonia
one of the basic essence of what it means is “to share”
in community
if you don’t say “i have a need”
then no one in the community will be willing to share their needs
do you have someone in your life that you’ve given permission to ask you hard questions about your sexuality, money, prayer life.
if youre sitting there thinking i don’t have a single person who i’ve given permission to do that
you can never have community.
if youre somebody who used to love someone when they were weak and frail and they needed you
and all of a sudden they get stronger and don’t need you and you don’t like them anymore..
you never loved them for them..you loved them because they needed you
if youre somebody who was friends with someone because you were getting approval and affirmation
and all of a sudden that approval and affirmation is gone
and you start thinking that the person is a real drag
you never loved them..you loved yourself.
expendable
I get in these slumps where I feel expendable and I think that I might as well just go home. I might as well just graduate and move on. I like to throw pity parties for myself, don’t I? It doesn’t help that I am disappointed at myself for even thinking like this…So I’m digging and digging for reasons to understand why I feel like this…
I got nothing.
But I found this when I was searching on my computer…
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” Matt 5:3
yp out
things ill never say
i hate you stupid number.
i hate how you control me. i hate how you dictate so much of my life. i hate how ive changed my entire lifestyle for you. i hate how you never make me happy, no matter what i do or how hard i try to change you. i hate how you make me feel. i hate that you always leave me feeling inadequate.
because of you, my closets always a mess, as i can never decide on an outfit thats “acceptable”. i feel like my clothes will never look right; which is why im starting to really dislike fitting clothes. and not only that, but you make me envious of others. constantly comparing myself is bad…but its hard to stop.
ive given up a lot for you. ive created restrictions and disciplined myself but in the end, where does that leave me? NO WHERE. i feel like the past couple years ive been running in a circle, never getting to where i want to be. you continually frustrate me, sadden me, and make me want to hide. i fear the seconds when you’ll appear, hoping that ill see a number that wont make me feel disgusted.
but its always the same feeling.
