do you not remember???
…when all you wanted was Me.

a sister reminded me today…
so i wanted to remind you girls. =)

you guys are beautiful.
really, you guys are.
no matter wat this world says.

<3 green.

so yesterday, well really monday, I went to the post office to mail something and I wasn’t really sure where to go when I got in the building. There was a security guard sitting there and I sort of slowed my walking to see if I needed to sign in or something, but then she just gave me a smile and told me that I was going the right way and to just keep walking down the hall. I thanked her and proceeded. On my way out, she gave me yet another smile and I said bye. What caught me off guard was that she responded, but of course I couldn’t hear cause I had my headphones on, so I stopped and she says again, “Be blessed”

yea it made my day

it got me thinking on my way back, how smiles and kindness from complete strangers can be so contagious, because that lady made me want to do something randomly kind for a stranger, so I smiled the whole way back to school.

so this is a random tangent story, slightly related, but yea I was going back into the dorms monday night relatively late and the EAO guard is passed out. a little sad…a little funny…

yp out

i feel so trapped right now.

i feel like im being so phony. like everyone i know here doesn’t know who i really am. and yea i guess that was part of the appeal of coming here….being able to be anyone i want to be. but ive realized that i don’t…want to be anyone else. or atleast, i dont know how to adopt some new persona just like that. and yea theres nothing wrong with that.. per ce. i just sorta feel like im not on the same wavelength as everyone here. i find myself getting bored with ppl, because i know they won’t really understand me the way you guys do. they dont heatherchan study, they always want to drink (like every single day!) and they always seem to congregate in my room so i can never study here either! FDSKJFS its frustrating. dont get me wrong, its not like my friends get smashed everyday. mostly its just a few beers or wine or somethng. but even still. alcohol is overrrated when its at your grasp 24/7. im so over it. its boring almost.

maybe i should stop comparing them to everyone back home. or maybe i should stop writing sad depressing blog entries…but its mostly bc the second half of this week took a drastic turn towards the DOWNtown…kno what im sayin? (wow that was lame)

i hate how everyone came with someone they knew. its really weird. ive made a bunch of new friends and theyre all really cool but i just…feel so alone still. i miss having people already know me…know how i am..know how i feel about things. like, NOBODY HERE STUDIES. its driving me crazy. yea okay so the first week isnt even over yet and im already stressing out but still. when i say that i want to study i always get the rap for the “asian stereotype” for always studying blah blah. WHATEVER. it kinda pisses me off. but yea, i need to find somewhere to nest…with my textbooks. maybe ill pull a hermione and spend my time in the library self exile rooms…?

i think one of the problems here is i cant hide. buts its okay. ive become very good at hiding. maybe i can make it work.

ps- can you guys pray for me? i just need more God in my life right now.

our suitcase tracks

While I’ve been in Boston, we’ve been rather fortunate weatherwise (yea we still got slushy snow for an hour or so earlier in the week), but from people’s facebooks and away messages, I gather Chicago has gotten a lot of snow this past week. But whoopie-doo, the morning I was going to leave Boston, the snow storm begins. We had a 6:30am flight and because of the snow, we wanted to get to the airport a little earlier, so we schedule a taxi pick-up at 3:30am (hahah yea we decided to not sleep and just stay up). So we’re waiting outside… with not a car in sight.

(btw we’re not actually in boston. We are about 1.5 hours out into the booneys of MA, where only college students and old grandmothers live)

We call the office, which is of course closed and we call around to several other taxi companies to see if they had any available cars at 4:00am on sunday. nothing.

So after an hour and a half…we trudge back to the dorm rooms..totally frustrated and snow-covered. My last resort is to call United and see if they can push back our tickets to a later flight and how grateful I was to hear the Indian man, who probably has no idea of the snow storm that is around us, say he’ll get us tickets to the 5:12pm plane and waive the fee for changing your ticket. I was so happy and thankful, I nearly started crying… And at this normal daytime hour, we were able to find a replacement taxi company to get us to the airport. YAY!! Now we just need to wait and hope there are no more delays…

o and from all this I learned that regardless of how pissed I am, I can’t really leave angry messages or complaints.

I’ve always been stumped by this question of what I would want to be, if money or parents weren’t an issue. I always said there was nothing else I would want to do, which I actually believe is partly true. I look forward to the challenges of more and more school.  However, while I’ve been in Boston, I’ve basically been eating the whole time…trying out recommended restaurants and bakeries. And, I get an extra surge of excitement before going into a bakery or cafe. I can’t wait to look at the adorably cute and delicious cupcakes, cookies, and other pastries, my face pressed up against the glass casing. I can’t wait to sip my latte while I sit around and chat with friends.

It all reminds me of that movie Stranger than Fiction. I would love to have a cafe or bakery like that–no name, but something that exists for the neighborhood, where people come to sit around and just let time slow down. I imagine talking with the people or reading by the window, when things are slower or quieter. This life I envision is so different from the one ahead of me…I would like to try it out for a little bit.

YUM! yp out.

trust.

its the one thing that you want from friends.

sure, there’s other elements to a strong friendship; incomparable companionship, mutual interests, genuine camaraderie, undeniable compatability…the list goes on. it doesnt take much to describe a good friend, right? or at least  it shouldnt.

but trust is often the hardest aspect of friendship to withstand the tests and trials that life throws at us. You can’t buy it. You can’t create it. You can’t make it. You can only earn and break it. Two extremes.

But what is trust exactly? It’s something powerful yet delicate; something to always be mindful of. because once its gone…its very hard to get back.

and its funny too. how that happens. how you lose trust. it usually happens quickly. and is usually not intentional. and yet, it happens all the time. thankfully the circle of trust can be mended but can it ever truly be made whole again? can you ever truly trust someone once they’ve given you a reason to doubt them?

i guess this is more prevalent in relationships and whatnot, but its truly an escalating epidemic occurring more and more often in common friendships. I guess I’ve been pretty lucky thus far…none of my friends have out rightly wronged me in such a way to leave me jaded and scared forever… but i still feel…gripped at the possibility of it.

its a shame when there’s a snag in a friendship. because snags can lead to rips if proper care is not given.

bp

koinonia. i like that word. fellowship. community.

i was listening to pastor peters online sermon and…aw man.
i cant…i dont even have words at the moment.
so im just going to blurt snippets and quotes from the sermon.
you should listen to it.
go online and type in new community podcast..and listen to pastor peter hongs sermon: church without walls week 9: discovering community.
it is….so good.

“when you are longing for community…when you go up to someone and say..I need you..thats not being weak. it’s being strong”

“we were made to be in community”

“if we are spirit filled…fellowship just happens.”

“are there a group of 5, 6, 7 people you always hang out with…but you guys just hang?”

why do i have such a hard time with community?
why do i have such a hard time loving people?
why do i have such hard time opening up to people

community is hard.

fig-leaf armor.
what’s fig leaf armor?
when you dont let people know how you’re doing because if you did…you keep thinking “‘i dont want you to judge me.”

jesus saved us so that we can be fully human
which means we can fully relate to each other…in community.

you know nothing but fear..lack of trust
Jesus came to save you so that i can heal that so that you can trust and unconditionally love and genuinely accept one another.

who wants deep authentic community?
are you willing to go there?

spiritual friendship isn’t created..it’s discoverd.

the thing thats going to prompt us to care for the least of these..the poor…the broken..
is the recognition that there’s not difference between us and them.

friendship doesn’t happen
we should want something besides friends
those that want nothing share nothing.
what creates a sense of deep friendship is not 2 people who say “wat i want from you is approval”
but when they both look at something and go “aint that beautiful?”
when theyre kneeling at the same thing and go “aint that beautiful?”

make your friendship with God more important that making friends
and friends will be drawn to you.

do you know when friendships become really important to you?
when you are emotionally underwater.
but by then…it’s too late.
“where is my friends?
where is my community?
i never built it…”

koinonia
one of the basic essence of what it means is “to share”

in community
if you don’t say “i have a need”
then no one in the community will be willing to share their needs

do you have someone in your life that you’ve given permission to ask you hard questions about your sexuality, money, prayer life.
if youre sitting there thinking i don’t have a single person who i’ve given permission to do that
you can never have community.

if youre somebody who used to love someone when they were weak and frail and they needed you
and all of a sudden they get stronger and don’t need you and you don’t like them anymore..
you never loved them for them..you loved them because they needed you

if youre somebody who was friends with someone because you were getting approval and affirmation
and all of a sudden that approval and affirmation is gone
and you start thinking that the person is a real drag
you never loved them..you loved yourself.

I get in these slumps where I feel expendable and I think that I might as well just go home. I might as well just graduate and move on. I like to throw pity parties for myself, don’t I? It doesn’t help that I am disappointed at myself for even thinking like this…So I’m digging and digging for reasons to understand why I feel like this…

I got nothing.

But I found this when I was searching on my computer…

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” Matt 5:3

yp out

i hate you stupid number.

i hate how you control me. i hate how you dictate so much of my life. i hate how ive changed my entire lifestyle for you. i hate how you never make me happy, no matter what i do or how hard i try to change you. i hate how you make me feel. i hate that you always leave me feeling inadequate.

because of you, my closets always a mess, as i can never decide on an outfit thats “acceptable”. i feel like my clothes will never look right; which is why im starting to really dislike fitting clothes. and not only that, but you make me envious of others. constantly comparing myself is bad…but its hard to stop.

ive given up a lot for you. ive created restrictions and disciplined myself but in the end, where does that leave me? NO WHERE. i feel like the past couple years ive been running in a circle, never getting to where i want to be. you continually frustrate me, sadden me, and make me want to hide. i fear the seconds when you’ll appear, hoping that ill see a number that wont make me feel disgusted.

but its always the same feeling.